Down.

here it is. the truth. so unguarded here. so so so unguarded.
I miss it. I miss everything.
But I'll shovel that deep, deep underground. Along with my heart. Lie, whisper that I don't care. That I'll be just fine.
I will, though, I will be fine. Without her. And I will. But I don't want to be. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry doesn't change anything.
I want to go on.
Move on.
Don't you dare look back.

who's the greater sin?

You'd be surprised to know I haven't fallen off the face of the planet, I've just been very busy with writing with pencil and paper. It's nearing valentine's day, and the closer it gets, the more I want to join my friends in boycotting it.

I still have John, that's true, but it's just not my holiday. It's full of everything I'm, erm, against. Love is great, but it is the substance of all my depressing poetry and whirlwind of thoughts, but that's just me being mellowdramatic. Lately, things have been pretty dandy and grand.

I've decided something- I'm going forward with no regrets and no more road blocks anymore. I realized that I'm the hurtle in my path, and nothing else, so I'm removing that hurtle. In the end, if things end badly, I'll have plenty of alone time to write depressing stuff, and repress and regret; so for now, I have what I want, and I'm going to be happy.

There is so much to be thankful for, and I'm going to start being gracious. Some things I still have to work on, but it'll always be something, you know? You can't be perfect. I've come to accept that everything I do will create a consequence of some sort, but I have to live with it, and I can't take my actions back, only learn from them. I've been growing and learning so much about life, about myself, how to deal with certain things in the last month or two. I've grown up so much and I still have so much to explore, and I'm ready.

A lot of my strength and progress, I owe to my friends. Without their support and love, I would feel alone and relapse back to something and someone I don't want to be. I'm so thankful for them, they make me feel wanted and like I have a steady place in this world.

It's great, I've grown so close to so many people, that I trust a lot of them. Especially Abby, Abby, Kathleen, Kate, and Forrest. Oh, and John goes without saying. But I don't think my friends know how much they mean to me. Even though I don't act like it sometimes, I try so hard to fit in with them and be accepted, especially with Abby. I don't know why, but I think it's because she's built me up so much in the past two years to be who I am and has helped and encouraged me so much. She's been an absolutely amazing friend, a friend when I was scared of the world and terrified of being who I am. So, I try really hard with her. It's regretful that I have such strange reactions... when she isn't... there... it brings out a really, not me side of me, that I don't like at all. I get angry, upset, mopey, and it alters my mood and my actions and my heart. But things are fortunately going very well with her, if I may say so, even if Kate's higher in her heart and I'm sad I've failed her.

These are the things I need to work on: I have extreme guilt, I need to figure out right from wrong, how to be mellow and to have a little self worth and a little less depression.

I could write a million in depth things about all the problems and thoughts I've presented, but I've wrote enough for now... so, that's for another blog.

you're suffocating me,

so very hard to breathe.

my mask is growing heavy,

but I've forgotten who's beneath.

-Reclusion, by Anberlin