A Paper Heart

I've been gone for a while, I suppose. Time to be completely open- here we go.
A few more days until Christmas and I'm super excited. That is besides the point- I just thought I'd get that out.
It kind of feels like everything is falling apart and I feel like I am more vulnerable than I could ever possibly know. My heart feels paper thin and exposed; like one movement could crush my poor heart to pieces. It's just this... thing... sitting on my chest.
John makes things better. He makes me feel loved and important. I love him so much and I need him to lean on right now. He makes me realize my life isn't as bad as I think it is and that I need to just slow down and enjoy life. I like that about him. He calms me down and doesn't even know it. He makes me slow down, but my heart speed up. He keeps telling me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That makes me feel so good, and I'd love that; but I'm fourteen. I am only fourteen. It makes me wonder if he really means that or if it's just another load-of-crap line. I let him feed me that kind of stuff all the time and I know if he breaks up with me... it's just going to be that much harder... but I'm getting myself into that, I guess. Love is a spectacular thing, no?
Kathleen is just as dandy as ever in my life- I still love her very much and she will still always be my best friend- that fact has not changed. I just wish she saw herself like I see her. She is so magnicficent and beautiful, inside and out. She makes me laugh like no other and she always listens to me, no matter what. I love that about her... she listens and she tells me what she thinks in her place, but listens openly to what I want to do and what I think. Kathleen is an amazing friend and I want her to know that, and as much as I try, I don't think she knows the extend of it... but I guess it'll have to be enough for now.
Katherine Hanson is so great. She could be so much more than she is... she brings Abby down with her. Abby has so much progress built up and I've tried to bring her to places, but Kate is drowning her. Things were great with Kate and I at the beginning of the school year until I started dating John... I understand she is upset that I like him, but still. We fight all the time- but we still love each other. We lie to each other too... and that is no way to build a friendship. Anyway, I need to fix things with her, and we'll see how that goes.
Abby is just as great as ever, also. I can tell she still strives to be a good person, and I admire that. She is in love with a great guy named Jordan who is also in love with her. They are honestly one adorable couple; I love hanging around them just to feel the aura that radiates off of them and the smiles she has and the mood he puts her in.
Anyway... my mother told me the other day about a therapist that she wanted my dad and I to see and at first I was completely offended. A shrink and me. Not one bit cool. The more I thought about it, the more I think it would be good for me. Let's just pour out all my thoughts. I realized I can tell the shrink everything and she'll have no one to tell that I wouldn't want her too, I mean, she shouldn't tell my parents unless it's something they need to know, but I'm pretty much a good kid. I think I should tell my mom that I want to see a therapist. I might feel a little mental at first... but it just may be good for me.
Okay, I think that's it for now.
That was nice to get out.



Everything looks perfect from far away.

-Such Great Heights, Postal Service

Blinded.

It's me again- hopeless, lovestuck me. Well, my friends have ultimately decided to try and destroy my happiness, I suppose. Everytime I hang around them, they make cracks about my boyfriend- about her ex boyfriend. That he is a whore and in so many words unspoken that he doesn't like me. And get this... they are trying to tell me I don't like him.

Whenever I am around him, I am very happy, but other than that, they make every other minute miserable. What kind of friends are those that you don't want to hang around? That's just really sad.

I don't want to give him up, because I want to enjoy this while it lasts, because we all know relationships end. But c'mon here, people, this isn't One Tree Hill, lets not make a big deal out of it.

Rumors flood my school about the two of us and everyone wants to know if we are dating. Just for the record people- yes, we are.

Trust seems to be a big issue among everyone, my friends have turned two-faced. Funny have fast the alligance runs when feelings get hardwired.

Oh, here is a little snippet from my myspace blog concerning these same issues: I will not argue with them because they will never believe with their blind eyes and biased thoughts. Selfish, you laugh snidely. Stupid, you kid meaningfully. It will end, you taunt. Whore, you accuse. Of course you're my friends, though. Right? Of course.

So go ahead, try and shatter me, try to get in our heads, try and break us down. But guess what? They can all sit there and watch as we laugh together, stare at our intertwined hands and glare our way, jealousy painted on their green fingers.

Some say he's a whore.
I guess I'm just blinded by his light. <3