Down.

here it is. the truth. so unguarded here. so so so unguarded.
I miss it. I miss everything.
But I'll shovel that deep, deep underground. Along with my heart. Lie, whisper that I don't care. That I'll be just fine.
I will, though, I will be fine. Without her. And I will. But I don't want to be. I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry doesn't change anything.
I want to go on.
Move on.
Don't you dare look back.

who's the greater sin?

You'd be surprised to know I haven't fallen off the face of the planet, I've just been very busy with writing with pencil and paper. It's nearing valentine's day, and the closer it gets, the more I want to join my friends in boycotting it.

I still have John, that's true, but it's just not my holiday. It's full of everything I'm, erm, against. Love is great, but it is the substance of all my depressing poetry and whirlwind of thoughts, but that's just me being mellowdramatic. Lately, things have been pretty dandy and grand.

I've decided something- I'm going forward with no regrets and no more road blocks anymore. I realized that I'm the hurtle in my path, and nothing else, so I'm removing that hurtle. In the end, if things end badly, I'll have plenty of alone time to write depressing stuff, and repress and regret; so for now, I have what I want, and I'm going to be happy.

There is so much to be thankful for, and I'm going to start being gracious. Some things I still have to work on, but it'll always be something, you know? You can't be perfect. I've come to accept that everything I do will create a consequence of some sort, but I have to live with it, and I can't take my actions back, only learn from them. I've been growing and learning so much about life, about myself, how to deal with certain things in the last month or two. I've grown up so much and I still have so much to explore, and I'm ready.

A lot of my strength and progress, I owe to my friends. Without their support and love, I would feel alone and relapse back to something and someone I don't want to be. I'm so thankful for them, they make me feel wanted and like I have a steady place in this world.

It's great, I've grown so close to so many people, that I trust a lot of them. Especially Abby, Abby, Kathleen, Kate, and Forrest. Oh, and John goes without saying. But I don't think my friends know how much they mean to me. Even though I don't act like it sometimes, I try so hard to fit in with them and be accepted, especially with Abby. I don't know why, but I think it's because she's built me up so much in the past two years to be who I am and has helped and encouraged me so much. She's been an absolutely amazing friend, a friend when I was scared of the world and terrified of being who I am. So, I try really hard with her. It's regretful that I have such strange reactions... when she isn't... there... it brings out a really, not me side of me, that I don't like at all. I get angry, upset, mopey, and it alters my mood and my actions and my heart. But things are fortunately going very well with her, if I may say so, even if Kate's higher in her heart and I'm sad I've failed her.

These are the things I need to work on: I have extreme guilt, I need to figure out right from wrong, how to be mellow and to have a little self worth and a little less depression.

I could write a million in depth things about all the problems and thoughts I've presented, but I've wrote enough for now... so, that's for another blog.

you're suffocating me,

so very hard to breathe.

my mask is growing heavy,

but I've forgotten who's beneath.

-Reclusion, by Anberlin

A Paper Heart

I've been gone for a while, I suppose. Time to be completely open- here we go.
A few more days until Christmas and I'm super excited. That is besides the point- I just thought I'd get that out.
It kind of feels like everything is falling apart and I feel like I am more vulnerable than I could ever possibly know. My heart feels paper thin and exposed; like one movement could crush my poor heart to pieces. It's just this... thing... sitting on my chest.
John makes things better. He makes me feel loved and important. I love him so much and I need him to lean on right now. He makes me realize my life isn't as bad as I think it is and that I need to just slow down and enjoy life. I like that about him. He calms me down and doesn't even know it. He makes me slow down, but my heart speed up. He keeps telling me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. That makes me feel so good, and I'd love that; but I'm fourteen. I am only fourteen. It makes me wonder if he really means that or if it's just another load-of-crap line. I let him feed me that kind of stuff all the time and I know if he breaks up with me... it's just going to be that much harder... but I'm getting myself into that, I guess. Love is a spectacular thing, no?
Kathleen is just as dandy as ever in my life- I still love her very much and she will still always be my best friend- that fact has not changed. I just wish she saw herself like I see her. She is so magnicficent and beautiful, inside and out. She makes me laugh like no other and she always listens to me, no matter what. I love that about her... she listens and she tells me what she thinks in her place, but listens openly to what I want to do and what I think. Kathleen is an amazing friend and I want her to know that, and as much as I try, I don't think she knows the extend of it... but I guess it'll have to be enough for now.
Katherine Hanson is so great. She could be so much more than she is... she brings Abby down with her. Abby has so much progress built up and I've tried to bring her to places, but Kate is drowning her. Things were great with Kate and I at the beginning of the school year until I started dating John... I understand she is upset that I like him, but still. We fight all the time- but we still love each other. We lie to each other too... and that is no way to build a friendship. Anyway, I need to fix things with her, and we'll see how that goes.
Abby is just as great as ever, also. I can tell she still strives to be a good person, and I admire that. She is in love with a great guy named Jordan who is also in love with her. They are honestly one adorable couple; I love hanging around them just to feel the aura that radiates off of them and the smiles she has and the mood he puts her in.
Anyway... my mother told me the other day about a therapist that she wanted my dad and I to see and at first I was completely offended. A shrink and me. Not one bit cool. The more I thought about it, the more I think it would be good for me. Let's just pour out all my thoughts. I realized I can tell the shrink everything and she'll have no one to tell that I wouldn't want her too, I mean, she shouldn't tell my parents unless it's something they need to know, but I'm pretty much a good kid. I think I should tell my mom that I want to see a therapist. I might feel a little mental at first... but it just may be good for me.
Okay, I think that's it for now.
That was nice to get out.



Everything looks perfect from far away.

-Such Great Heights, Postal Service

Blinded.

It's me again- hopeless, lovestuck me. Well, my friends have ultimately decided to try and destroy my happiness, I suppose. Everytime I hang around them, they make cracks about my boyfriend- about her ex boyfriend. That he is a whore and in so many words unspoken that he doesn't like me. And get this... they are trying to tell me I don't like him.

Whenever I am around him, I am very happy, but other than that, they make every other minute miserable. What kind of friends are those that you don't want to hang around? That's just really sad.

I don't want to give him up, because I want to enjoy this while it lasts, because we all know relationships end. But c'mon here, people, this isn't One Tree Hill, lets not make a big deal out of it.

Rumors flood my school about the two of us and everyone wants to know if we are dating. Just for the record people- yes, we are.

Trust seems to be a big issue among everyone, my friends have turned two-faced. Funny have fast the alligance runs when feelings get hardwired.

Oh, here is a little snippet from my myspace blog concerning these same issues: I will not argue with them because they will never believe with their blind eyes and biased thoughts. Selfish, you laugh snidely. Stupid, you kid meaningfully. It will end, you taunt. Whore, you accuse. Of course you're my friends, though. Right? Of course.

So go ahead, try and shatter me, try to get in our heads, try and break us down. But guess what? They can all sit there and watch as we laugh together, stare at our intertwined hands and glare our way, jealousy painted on their green fingers.

Some say he's a whore.
I guess I'm just blinded by his light. <3

dream big.

You know what? You make me smile like no one else can. No lie. You make so happy, you have no idea. My heart is filled to the brim with your love. And you are right, every time you touch me, I do breathe different, the pattern changes. You tell me when you look at me, my eyes show how much I love you. You're completely right. I can't hide anything from you.

You tell me you love me over again. You said you can say it a thousand times over. My heart races and I can't pay attention to anything when you're around. But that's okay. You say I move different when you touch me, and you're right. Things just feel so corresponding.

This situation is screwed up, but I know we'll make it through. We figure things out everytime. I know we can do it.

You are the sunshine to my cloudy day.
You are the stars to my sky.
And I'd never have a cloudy day as long as you're around.

Dead End December

Choices make up peoples lives. Every choice always hurts someone. If I take a chance, I hurt a friend, if I drop the chance, I hurt the both of us.
I feel like I'm just beginning, like this happiness will never end. When is the last time I've had so much fun in this God-forsaken place? Well, it's been a while. And finally, I've found some kind of inspiration. I want to go for it so bad. I say I shouldn't, and I know it's wrong, but haven't I already subconsciously made up my mind?
I think so.
I feel like I'm just beginning, but I'm afraid I'm at a dead end I can't see.



Warn your warmth to turn away.
Here it's december every day.

-Love Like Winter, A.F.I.